Long time and memories

It has literally been years since I posted on this blog, I had decided to abandon it and move forward.  Recently however I have had the need to express my feelings and thoughts.   I find myself in a weird position currently.  Clint died almost five years ago and the upcoming anniversary of this coupled with the passage of time has brought out some reflections and emotions that I hadn't expected.   March 17th was what would have been our 26th wedding anniversary and really that triggered my desire to write again.

Memory of a Marriage….

We met in September, 1988 and March 17, 1989 took a vow to be together until death parted us.  You were gentle and kind.  Slowly we began building a life together.  In 1991 we had our second daughter, our family was complete.  We settled in to the routine of raising our children and while it was busy we still made time for on another.  You were on the road a lot, especially when the girls were a bit older but we still talked every day.  Marriages are not fairy tales where everyone lives happily ever after; they are work and take dedication and commitment.  We had our share of up and downs but we stayed committed to the vow we took.   It is 2002 and my mom died and I am so thankful for the strength that you showed during that difficult time.   I remember your words when I cried that I wanted everything to be normal and you gently told me that I had to get used to a new normal.  Not an easy task but we moved forward.  Our girls were growing up; Tiffany graduated high school and went to college.  Tiffany graduated college and then Paul proposed to her.  Wedding planning was fun for us girls, probably not so much for you.  You got to walk Tiffany down the aisle and dance with her.  You won’t be there when Glory walks down the aisle and that makes my heart hurt for her.  It will be a day that will be filled with joy, but bittersweet too.  Your presence will be missed.  Time continues to move forward it is now 2009.  Glory graduates high school, my grandmother dies.  You make a comment to me after I spoke at her funeral that freaked me out….you told me that when you die you want me to speak at your funeral.  I told you that you were nuts.  We find out that Tiffany is pregnant.  You are overjoyed and cannot wait to be a grandfather.  We end the year with a lovely Christmas and excitement about what the New Year will bring.  You are traveling and gone for six weeks while it is snowing here in Maryland.  We had a lot of snow.  You return home, things are tough, there’s a lot going on.  We have been married for 21 years.  Our focus is on the impending birth of our granddaughter.  She arrives on March 30^th.  We are so happy and looking forward to watching this adorable little girl grow up.  The first time you held her, talking to her and telling her all the things you want to do with her.  That memory still brings a smile to my face. Spring is finally here and it is now May, 2010.  We have a nice conversation on the morning of the 6^th but it is time for me to go to work.  I kiss you goodbye and tell you I will see you that evening.  That was the last time I would kiss you.  You died at home while I was at work.  My world shattered.  I honored your wish and spoke at your funeral.  That was probably one of the hardest things I have ever done.  I leaned into the presence of God and felt Him lifting me up and carrying me while I took care of what needed to be done.  Through His strength, grace and guidance I found my way out of the chaotic wind tunnel of grief.  The girls were devastated by your untimely death and we all miss you.  We slowly moved forward, building a life without you.  Over time it has gotten easier, you are gone but not forgotten.  I miss your smile, your humor and most definitely your hugs.  When I was in your embrace I felt like I was home.  We were blessed and I am thankful for the years we had together.  I do not know what my future will bring.  Will I remarry?  I know you would not want me to be alone and if I am completely honest, I don’t want to be alone either.   Today, as I reflected on the twenty-one years we were together I am glad to have had that time with you. So much has happened since you died.   Glory has graduated with her associates and will begin working on her bachelors.  You would be so very proud of the girls!  Tiffany is an awesome mommy and Isabelle is a precocious little girl who lights up my world.  Tiffany and Paul are in the long process of adopting a little girl from Ethiopia.  We can’t wait to meet her.  We are doing okay and slowly are moving from survive to thrive.  It has been a difficult journey with hardship along the way but we are making it.   As time goes on and we live life looking forward to the future and focus less on the past just know that a part of our hearts will always belong to you.   Happy Anniversary Clint.