Update, the struggle is real....

I started this blog after my husband died, and I was searching for who I was as a widow.  I haven't posted on here in a couple of years.  It has been nine years since Clint died.  I miss him still.  Have I moved forward?  Yes.  Am I in a relationship - no.  Does that bother me?  Usually no, I am at peace with where I am, and if I am meant to be with someone else, God will bring that person into my life at the right moment.  But....there are days.  Days like today when I struggle with being alone.  Yes, I have family and friends, but it has been a tough year.  I am weathering the medical bills I incurred from having emergency surgery in March, the unexpected expenses from heating repairs, lawn mower replacement, etc.  but today, what has just "broke" my tough shell is the fact that I am replacing the hoses on my pool and hit a wall of not being physically strong enough to get the new hoses on.  I have done this before, but today, I just can't do it, and I have no one to help me.  Having been sick and then having surgery has left me without what was once my strength.  It is humbling and frustrating to not be able to do what I have done in the past.  So here I am, Memorial Day weekend, looking forward to relaxing in the pool and unable to finish my task of opening because I physically can't.  It is moments like this when I feel overwhelmed that I wish things were different, that there was someone here to lean on, to help me with the tasks at hand, but I remain alone.  I wonder if I should shout out on social media that I need help. I've even considered hiring a handyman to help - isn't that ridiculous for something so simple??  However, what am I to do?  I feel at times, forgotten, and passed over like I no longer exist.  Invisible.  Especially on days like today.  Time to stop feeling sorry for myself.  I'll try again tomorrow when my hands and muscles don't hurt from trying.  There's a silver lining to every cloud - right?

Letter to heaven....

Today you would have been 58.  How I would have teased you about being "ALMOST 60".  I have been thinking about you a lot lately and thinking about how much life has changed since you died.  We were not ready for that and it has taken a long time to heal from losing you.  The girls are doing well and you would be so proud of the amazing young women they have become.  Isabelle is 6 now and is absolutely the sunshine in my world.  It still saddens me that you only got to be grandpa for 6 weeks.  I know she would delight you as much as she delights me.  You would be totally wrapped around her little finger.  :)

I am doing okay though I am lonely.  Wishing life could have been different but it was not to be.  So today I think about you, remember you and the years we had together.  Happy Birthday Clint.

Happy New Year and the Resurrection of this blog

I have recently spent quite a bit of time reflecting on my life; where it is, where I want it to go, the past, the present and the future.  I started this blog after my husband died and I was trying to find my way through grief and figure out who I was.  I have realized that who I am is continuing to evolve.  For so long I had identified myself as a wife but that ended abruptly with Clint's passing.  So while I know my new role - simply as me being me I am still trying to figure out life and who I am evolving to be.  I had decided to abandon this blog and just live but recently and with other life changes that have occurred decided that perhaps for the new year I should resurrect and try my hand at it again.

A lot of things that have happened since I last posted.  Some good, some challenging.  I've had some wonderful experiences and I was able to get a grief ministry started at my Church as well as facilitate a Life Group for people who have experienced a loss and are seeking God's purpose/direction in their lives.  I have always wanted to take my experience and help others.  Other big changes are my dad was ill this past year and has moved in with me; this brings peace of mind that I can keep an eye on him but has also been a major change in my life.  I have to be cognizant of his needs in my role of supportive care giver and this has impacted my choices in what I do, where I go etc.  He is currently reliant upon me for transportation and I know this has been difficult for him since he is independent and I am busy working two jobs.  Hopefully he will resume driving soon and that should help both of us.  I won't go into all that has happened since my last post since I am focused on looking and moving forward.

A new year, another new beginning always brings reflection on where I've been and where I want to go.  This time last year I was making tentative plans to reenter the dating world....it has been so very long since I dated that I really don't know how people meet or how dating works anymore.  That said, I think I am ready to try though with my dad living with me it poses different challenges.  Considering dating is a huge step for me...and really being ready to possibly meet someone.  Clint's death was so difficult for a long time I was closed and still have fear of opening my heart again - I would like to NEVER feel that pain again.  However, I believe I am ready now to test the waters.  If I can only figure out how!

New Year's resolution - I have only one...that is to be happy.  I need to actively seek balance in my life and that will bring peace which should help restore happiness to my stressed and over busy world.  I want to literally stop and smell the flowers, bask in the warmth of the sunshine, gaze upon the beauty of the night sky.  Looking forward to a new year with joy and gratitude.

Wishing all who choose to stop and read my humble musings a lovely new year filled with blessings.

Feel free to comment, just please be kind.  As mama always said "If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all!"

Long time and memories

It has literally been years since I posted on this blog, I had decided to abandon it and move forward.  Recently however I have had the need to express my feelings and thoughts.   I find myself in a weird position currently.  Clint died almost five years ago and the upcoming anniversary of this coupled with the passage of time has brought out some reflections and emotions that I hadn't expected.   March 17th was what would have been our 26th wedding anniversary and really that triggered my desire to write again.

Memory of a Marriage….

We met in September, 1988 and March 17, 1989 took a vow to be together until death parted us.  You were gentle and kind.  Slowly we began building a life together.  In 1991 we had our second daughter, our family was complete.  We settled in to the routine of raising our children and while it was busy we still made time for on another.  You were on the road a lot, especially when the girls were a bit older but we still talked every day.  Marriages are not fairy tales where everyone lives happily ever after; they are work and take dedication and commitment.  We had our share of up and downs but we stayed committed to the vow we took.   It is 2002 and my mom died and I am so thankful for the strength that you showed during that difficult time.   I remember your words when I cried that I wanted everything to be normal and you gently told me that I had to get used to a new normal.  Not an easy task but we moved forward.  Our girls were growing up; Tiffany graduated high school and went to college.  Tiffany graduated college and then Paul proposed to her.  Wedding planning was fun for us girls, probably not so much for you.  You got to walk Tiffany down the aisle and dance with her.  You won’t be there when Glory walks down the aisle and that makes my heart hurt for her.  It will be a day that will be filled with joy, but bittersweet too.  Your presence will be missed.  Time continues to move forward it is now 2009.  Glory graduates high school, my grandmother dies.  You make a comment to me after I spoke at her funeral that freaked me out….you told me that when you die you want me to speak at your funeral.  I told you that you were nuts.  We find out that Tiffany is pregnant.  You are overjoyed and cannot wait to be a grandfather.  We end the year with a lovely Christmas and excitement about what the New Year will bring.  You are traveling and gone for six weeks while it is snowing here in Maryland.  We had a lot of snow.  You return home, things are tough, there’s a lot going on.  We have been married for 21 years.  Our focus is on the impending birth of our granddaughter.  She arrives on March 30^th.  We are so happy and looking forward to watching this adorable little girl grow up.  The first time you held her, talking to her and telling her all the things you want to do with her.  That memory still brings a smile to my face. Spring is finally here and it is now May, 2010.  We have a nice conversation on the morning of the 6^th but it is time for me to go to work.  I kiss you goodbye and tell you I will see you that evening.  That was the last time I would kiss you.  You died at home while I was at work.  My world shattered.  I honored your wish and spoke at your funeral.  That was probably one of the hardest things I have ever done.  I leaned into the presence of God and felt Him lifting me up and carrying me while I took care of what needed to be done.  Through His strength, grace and guidance I found my way out of the chaotic wind tunnel of grief.  The girls were devastated by your untimely death and we all miss you.  We slowly moved forward, building a life without you.  Over time it has gotten easier, you are gone but not forgotten.  I miss your smile, your humor and most definitely your hugs.  When I was in your embrace I felt like I was home.  We were blessed and I am thankful for the years we had together.  I do not know what my future will bring.  Will I remarry?  I know you would not want me to be alone and if I am completely honest, I don’t want to be alone either.   Today, as I reflected on the twenty-one years we were together I am glad to have had that time with you. So much has happened since you died.   Glory has graduated with her associates and will begin working on her bachelors.  You would be so very proud of the girls!  Tiffany is an awesome mommy and Isabelle is a precocious little girl who lights up my world.  Tiffany and Paul are in the long process of adopting a little girl from Ethiopia.  We can’t wait to meet her.  We are doing okay and slowly are moving from survive to thrive.  It has been a difficult journey with hardship along the way but we are making it.   As time goes on and we live life looking forward to the future and focus less on the past just know that a part of our hearts will always belong to you.   Happy Anniversary Clint.  

New Year, new thoughts

This post is a little bit of everything including the holiday synopsis.

We made it through the holidays though there were many times I just wanted to ignore them, seriously thought about taking down the tree and decorations and just not dealing with it but I persevered and an interesting thing occurred....it was okay.  :o)  I actually feel like we turned a corner at Christmas time and that the new year truly brought the beginnings of moving on.  

A couple of weeks ago Glory's car broke and the repair outweighed the worth of the vehicle.  This lead to a heart stopping realization of how tenuous my financial situation still is...I cannot afford a car payment at all and neither can she.  We were very blessed by Tiffany's in-laws loaning her a car while we worked things out.  I was able to close out a CD that my grandmother left me and use the money to purchase another vehicle for Glory but we were working with a very limited budget.  The process of finding a car began.  We searched ads, asked friends, made phone calls and finally wandered used car lots.  Last weekend we found some "hopeful" vehicles (at the last lot we looked at).  To make a long story short I spoke with the owner of the lot and arranged to drive the car and have my son-in-law check out the car (he is a mechanic).  I was able to purchase her car yesterday which has brought a tremendous sense of relief to both of us.  However, this was a very stressful decision to make.  I was responsible for choosing a vehicle that was affordable and reliable.  It was the first time in my life where I could not afford a car note, had a very limited budget, had to make the "right" choice and the decision was mine to make for somebody else.  I don't know if you have been faced with that type of decision but it is tough knowing that it is all on you and it had to be right.  I probably am not articulating this very well but I am glad it is done.  Time will tell on the reliability part but the car appeared to be very well maintained and checked out good and Glory is ecstatic to have her own wheels again.

This weekend also brought  the need to rearrange and reassign the use of a room.  I am taking my office which currently (and messily I might add) houses my work/teaching stuff and my crafting stuff and converting it back into a bedroom.  So now I have to relocate these things in an organized and sensible manner.  (Yep, I am laughing on the inside at that one!!)  My plan begins with deciding the locations for the "stuff" then map out exactly how it will work.  The craft things will be relocated to a corner in the family room and the teaching "stuff" including quite a children's library will be relocated to my patio room which, if all goes well, will double as my home gym.  We will see how that works out.  Today's task was to map out the location and basically what/how I would organize things.  I decided to use Clint's 2-drawer filing cabinet to hold my crafting/scrap booking paper.  This decision meant cleaning out his filing cabinet.  The task while simple was wrought with emotions as I sorted through papers he kept.  I sorted things into categories - keep, shred, and trash.  Easy until I came across things that brought me to tears ....a card I had given him expressing how much I loved him, a father's day card from Glory, some old pictures etc.  Not an easy task today but it is done.  It brought the realization that as time is passing and I am moving into what is now my life there is less and less of him in our surroundings and more of me.  This is normal I know but bittersweet all the same. 

"I can do everything through him who gives me strength"  Phil 4:13

Missing in action but now I'm back

It has been a long time since I wrote and truthfully there have been times when I thought - why continue it has been too long but I began the blog to document my journey and the "missing" time and the what/why of it is indeed part of the journey so I will begin filling the blanks.  After my last post in July I had started to post again a couple of weeks later but I experienced a sense of apathy towards most things in my life.  I would think about doing things, plan on doing things (such as updating the blog) but all I wanted to do was be in my pajamas in bed.  I accomplished only what absolutely needed to be done.  I realized as I was going through this time period that I had to let the feelings come and that in fact this was part of my grief process.  The shock of Clint's death had worn off and instead of feeling relief that I made it through the first year all I felt was an incredible and deep sadness, not the initial tearful "Oh my gosh I can't believe this" sadness but a deep soul aching sadness that had to be experienced.  I am doing better now and life is moving forward.  I am so very thankful that God, my friends and family have seen me through this "dark" period.   I am committing to writing on a regular basis...I think it will be good for me.  There has been a lot of things that have happened over the last four plus months and I will fill in the the gaps on my journey to get caught up. 

Family Gatherings

On Saturday I had my family over for a casual get together.  By family I mean - my dad, sisters etc.  It was a nice time, we laughed and shared with one another.  However, I was struck by an occurence that has given me food for thought and quite honestly left me a little sad.  As we were talking about different things I mentioned Clint and referenced something he had said or experienced.  Everybody acted as if I hadn't spoken.  Is it taboo to speak of someone who is no longer here?  I was married to him for a long time and just because he died does not mean my memories of him are gone.  While I am making progress in my grief process and moving forward I do still think of him and the memories don't cease just because he is no longer here.  But now that a year has passed it seems generally as if people don't want me to talk about him or to mention that I am feeling sad.  To set the record straight - I do not talk about him all the time but if I am missing him - I say so.  I would like the freedom to enjoy and share the memories I have. 

So, I post a couple of questions - Is it taboo to talk about your deceased spouse? Should my memories be relegated to just being written in a journal?

This journey is not easy but each holiday, event or really just the passage of time allows me to know myself a little better and to seek opportunities to grow.  It is ironic that at times I feel more weepy now than I did last summer....I believe it is because the shock of his sudden death has worn off and the reality of living a life without him has set in.  I am leaving survival mode and am in the construction/rebuilding phase.  The road continues to be uneven but by the grace of God I am making it and will travel the path that lies before me.  I know He has a plan for me.