Missing in action but now I'm back

It has been a long time since I wrote and truthfully there have been times when I thought - why continue it has been too long but I began the blog to document my journey and the "missing" time and the what/why of it is indeed part of the journey so I will begin filling the blanks.  After my last post in July I had started to post again a couple of weeks later but I experienced a sense of apathy towards most things in my life.  I would think about doing things, plan on doing things (such as updating the blog) but all I wanted to do was be in my pajamas in bed.  I accomplished only what absolutely needed to be done.  I realized as I was going through this time period that I had to let the feelings come and that in fact this was part of my grief process.  The shock of Clint's death had worn off and instead of feeling relief that I made it through the first year all I felt was an incredible and deep sadness, not the initial tearful "Oh my gosh I can't believe this" sadness but a deep soul aching sadness that had to be experienced.  I am doing better now and life is moving forward.  I am so very thankful that God, my friends and family have seen me through this "dark" period.   I am committing to writing on a regular basis...I think it will be good for me.  There has been a lot of things that have happened over the last four plus months and I will fill in the the gaps on my journey to get caught up. 

Family Gatherings

On Saturday I had my family over for a casual get together.  By family I mean - my dad, sisters etc.  It was a nice time, we laughed and shared with one another.  However, I was struck by an occurence that has given me food for thought and quite honestly left me a little sad.  As we were talking about different things I mentioned Clint and referenced something he had said or experienced.  Everybody acted as if I hadn't spoken.  Is it taboo to speak of someone who is no longer here?  I was married to him for a long time and just because he died does not mean my memories of him are gone.  While I am making progress in my grief process and moving forward I do still think of him and the memories don't cease just because he is no longer here.  But now that a year has passed it seems generally as if people don't want me to talk about him or to mention that I am feeling sad.  To set the record straight - I do not talk about him all the time but if I am missing him - I say so.  I would like the freedom to enjoy and share the memories I have. 

So, I post a couple of questions - Is it taboo to talk about your deceased spouse? Should my memories be relegated to just being written in a journal?

This journey is not easy but each holiday, event or really just the passage of time allows me to know myself a little better and to seek opportunities to grow.  It is ironic that at times I feel more weepy now than I did last summer....I believe it is because the shock of his sudden death has worn off and the reality of living a life without him has set in.  I am leaving survival mode and am in the construction/rebuilding phase.  The road continues to be uneven but by the grace of God I am making it and will travel the path that lies before me.  I know He has a plan for me.

Father's Day - memories from the past

Today is father's day - a day to celebrate your dad. I am truly blessed to have an awesome dad who I am very close to. He has helped me tremendously over the last year as I struggled to make sense of what had happened and to survive. From going with me to plan the funeral to listening to me as I explored my feelings about being a widow. He honestly and lovingly has helped me by answering questions and sharing his experiences of being a widower. I pay homage and thank God for him.

However, my feelings today range from appreciation and gratitude for my own dad to a deep sorrow over the loss of my children's father. While last year was technically the first father's day without their dad we were still in shock from his death to take much notice. So this year I think it was like a time bomb waiting to explode. Both of my daughters are keenly feeling the loss; it seems to be hitting my youngest the hardest. My heart aches for them and also for myself. It is hard to face that the man I raised my children with is no longer here. As I played with Isabelle I can't help but think about how excited Clint was to be a grandfather. It was both precious and bittersweet to watch her laugh and play as she ran around the house - I hope he can see her from heaven.

Grief is a strange thing, for the most part I am adjusting to being alone but at the most unexpected time it raises it's head and knocks me to my knees again. I suppose it is all part of the healing process but it is not easy on days like today when I just miss him. I try to be positive and keep moving/looking forward but sometimes the past wants to heard - so I will sit quietly for awhile, reflect and shed some tears. I believe that the feelings need to be released to continue the healing.

Tomorrow is a new day, another start to moving on and despite the sadness I feel today it is another step on my journey.

Welcome to my journey.

Blogging was suggested by one of my most dearest friends (KP).  When I was sharing with her the thoughts and feelings I was having at the one year mark of my husband's death I mentioned that I was beginning a journey to figure out who I am now.  We were discussing her blog and that began a conversation about me sharing my journey.  She feels that it will help me along the way to finding who I am now and also that I may have info. and insights that will be helpful to others.  So here we go.....

First a brief history.  Clint and I were married for 21 years.  We raised two children, both girls.  One grown, married and now a mother (her cutie patootie is who I am holding in my profile pic) and the other in college - trying to find her way too.  She is the one who came home that fateful day to find her dad had died of heart failure while sitting in the living room.   Tough times have ensued but we are survivors.  His death left us in a terrible financial situation but we have slowly been putting the pieces back together.  I had to quit a job I loved to seek employment that would provide benefits and enough income to make it.  Through the help of family, friends and most importantly God's blessing and grace we have made it through the first year.  I am still very much in my grief process...I have learned that when you lose a spouse you not only grieve the loss of the person you love but you grieve the lifestyle you had and the future you won't.  I suspect I will grieve for quite a long time.  However, as I reflected on the survival of the first year I began to question - who am I now? What is next?   I spent such a long time being a wife and now I am not.  The plans we had no longer exist so, what now?   So now begins the next chapter in my life story and my search for me.

The Caribbean and Nectarines

This weekend was an interesting one to say the least, on one hand I took a big step forward to creating happy memories by booking a cruise for next year.  The financial obligation of that is scary after the struggles of the past year.  Both of my daughters and my son in law are coming too although they have to pay their own way.  The cruise leaves on the anniversary of my husband's death.  While that may seem odd to some, it feels right to me.  I am trying to create happy memories  around that date to alleviate some of the pain.  It will be good to go away as a family.   To every point though there is a counter point - today while grocery shopping I saw nectarines.  Ahh, then came the memories unbidden to my mind, bittersweet memories of my husband going to the Amish markets and buying fresh from the farm nectarines for me.  Did I buy any?  No. Weirdly I am not ready to eat them again.  Strange how the memories of the simple things can have such a huge impact on our lives and emotions.