Today is father's day - a day to celebrate your dad. I am truly blessed to have an awesome dad who I am very close to. He has helped me tremendously over the last year as I struggled to make sense of what had happened and to survive. From going with me to plan the funeral to listening to me as I explored my feelings about being a widow. He honestly and lovingly has helped me by answering questions and sharing his experiences of being a widower. I pay homage and thank God for him.
However, my feelings today range from appreciation and gratitude for my own dad to a deep sorrow over the loss of my children's father. While last year was technically the first father's day without their dad we were still in shock from his death to take much notice. So this year I think it was like a time bomb waiting to explode. Both of my daughters are keenly feeling the loss; it seems to be hitting my youngest the hardest. My heart aches for them and also for myself. It is hard to face that the man I raised my children with is no longer here. As I played with Isabelle I can't help but think about how excited Clint was to be a grandfather. It was both precious and bittersweet to watch her laugh and play as she ran around the house - I hope he can see her from heaven.
Grief is a strange thing, for the most part I am adjusting to being alone but at the most unexpected time it raises it's head and knocks me to my knees again. I suppose it is all part of the healing process but it is not easy on days like today when I just miss him. I try to be positive and keep moving/looking forward but sometimes the past wants to heard - so I will sit quietly for awhile, reflect and shed some tears. I believe that the feelings need to be released to continue the healing.
Tomorrow is a new day, another start to moving on and despite the sadness I feel today it is another step on my journey.
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