Welcome to my journey.

Blogging was suggested by one of my most dearest friends (KP).  When I was sharing with her the thoughts and feelings I was having at the one year mark of my husband's death I mentioned that I was beginning a journey to figure out who I am now.  We were discussing her blog and that began a conversation about me sharing my journey.  She feels that it will help me along the way to finding who I am now and also that I may have info. and insights that will be helpful to others.  So here we go.....

First a brief history.  Clint and I were married for 21 years.  We raised two children, both girls.  One grown, married and now a mother (her cutie patootie is who I am holding in my profile pic) and the other in college - trying to find her way too.  She is the one who came home that fateful day to find her dad had died of heart failure while sitting in the living room.   Tough times have ensued but we are survivors.  His death left us in a terrible financial situation but we have slowly been putting the pieces back together.  I had to quit a job I loved to seek employment that would provide benefits and enough income to make it.  Through the help of family, friends and most importantly God's blessing and grace we have made it through the first year.  I am still very much in my grief process...I have learned that when you lose a spouse you not only grieve the loss of the person you love but you grieve the lifestyle you had and the future you won't.  I suspect I will grieve for quite a long time.  However, as I reflected on the survival of the first year I began to question - who am I now? What is next?   I spent such a long time being a wife and now I am not.  The plans we had no longer exist so, what now?   So now begins the next chapter in my life story and my search for me.

The Caribbean and Nectarines

This weekend was an interesting one to say the least, on one hand I took a big step forward to creating happy memories by booking a cruise for next year.  The financial obligation of that is scary after the struggles of the past year.  Both of my daughters and my son in law are coming too although they have to pay their own way.  The cruise leaves on the anniversary of my husband's death.  While that may seem odd to some, it feels right to me.  I am trying to create happy memories  around that date to alleviate some of the pain.  It will be good to go away as a family.   To every point though there is a counter point - today while grocery shopping I saw nectarines.  Ahh, then came the memories unbidden to my mind, bittersweet memories of my husband going to the Amish markets and buying fresh from the farm nectarines for me.  Did I buy any?  No. Weirdly I am not ready to eat them again.  Strange how the memories of the simple things can have such a huge impact on our lives and emotions.